Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Flight South with Crazy Bonnie

Today I would like to tell you about my worst flying experience ever.

All of the anxieties you feel about being projecting up into the sky in a small stuffy airbus coupled with who you might have to end up sitting beside for these glorious hours of flying pleasure can leave you with trembling fingers while gripping your pre-flight cocktail. Up until this point in my early twenty-something life it had never occured to me how I could possibly be annoyed by who my seat partner shall be.  At that point in my life I was filled with wonder about how much should I share with this possible new best friend? I always got the clues when a person did not want to talk, but if they were half as chatty as me it would be a fun filled ride of the typical get to know you questions. What kind of work do you do? How many grandkids do you have? Have you ever met any celebrities? This was the flight that changed everything.
After boarding the flight and making sure that carry-ons were stowed in their proper place I found my seat in a completely empty row, which is always a relief. Shortly thereafter I noticed a scraggly haired woman coming toward my row narrowing her eyes on the small overhead lettering informing her of seats A,B,C, and D. That was the first problem she was incapable of comprehending the easy diagram showing seat A was the aisle seat and D was beside the window. After slowly, clearly, and loudly explaining I was in proper position with a witness from the next aisle over she took her seat apologizing profusely. Great, a nitwit I'm thinking and smile politely.
As we prepared to taxi the runway and prepare our plane for takeoff it became even more clear this lady needed special help from the stewards to inform her that she must turn off electronic equipment and buckle safety belt. I mean we're 45 minutes into the whole process and this lady is like 4 and 0! After leaving Newark and shooting off into the sky I realize that she had also had too much coffee or was coming down off some strong meds due to the tremor shakes (we'll call her Bonnie) was exhibiting. At this point our attempts at polite neighborly conversation are consumed by her bragging about how her son is a professional skateboarder and here is a magazine, she insists that I take a look at his picture because shes sure I know him. He's famous and rich she exclaims wildly! This is cool for about twenty seconds till I finally make genuine eye contact with this woman and realize her pupils are almost consuming her entire eye area. Geesch I thought this lady is really high on something! At the moment I have this epiphany she somehow intuits what I  am thinking. Maybe I accidentally looked sadly at her or maybe she is looking for some kind of confidant. Both must have been true because at that moment she decides it is time to come clean about the real reason she is on the plane headed south. Her family has sent her away to seek treatment for her addiction problem to heroine which she developed while taking care of her mother in Philadelphia. She explains how her mother was dying of cancer and at first she was dipping into her own mothers pain meds to get some sleep or much needed solace. The next thing you know shes down street pawning her mothers heirloom necklace to give Bobby-Jo down the street $50 for a one night high. She cried and admitted she was so ashamed and really wanted help. Whoa! Tragic! All I could think was, "Wow, Note to self: what a slippery slope pain meds are!" So I told her how I was glad she was choosing her family and their love over the chemical addiction and at this point you know me, I was also telling her how she couldn't do it alone and that God would help her do anything. She hugged me and now at this point in our new relationship she wants to share her favorite music with me that helped her already be able to overcome. You know what this lady's favorite band was? Firefall! Really? "You are the woman that I've always dreamed of? Hahaaaaa! I guess we can all dream because this lady was more of the nightmare variety. Unfortunately this story does not even end here.
Next thing you know she goes to the bathroom and the entire plane fills with cigarette smoke! Yeah, she did. When she finally returns to her seat the attendants are in a mad dash for our row to question her and inform her that authorities will be waiting to arrest her as soon as we arrive. As she claims with cigarette breath that she has no idea what they are talking about and they need to stop harassing her! As the plane lands she whispers in my ear that she was afraid she wouldn't get to have another cigarette once she gets on the ground because someone was already waiting on her there to whisk her off to rehab sobriety. Funny enough when we land this lady was the first bitch off the plane and I don't think they caught up with her. Wherever you are Bonnie, I hope your doing well!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

For the furry babes

I dedicate this Blog to Cheeva Bear who is currently in rapid decline due to a nose tumor.

I believe the saying about when you love an animal part of your soul awakens.
All the years, all the pets that were my very best friends, laughed at all my jokes and licked away all the salty tears with their rough and scratchy or soft and stinky tongues.
There were the kitties who were part of my life so long ago they shall remain nameless for the sheer fact that I cannot remember their names. These very special kitties and I had times that will never be forgotten, such as always bringing my jello popsicle outside so I could coerce them to crawl up my blue jean legs and when they made it to the top they were allowed to have a lick of the creamy vanilla chocolate pop.
Kids nowadays could not do this because of those jeggings with a cats claws would have you screaming like a banshee.
There was the Collie Lula that just showed up at our house one day like so many of our animals we would take in. Now that I think about it, growing up at our house out in the country with the huge yard must have been considered appealing by the people who needed to pull a "drop-off" for whatever reason.
Lula was beautiful and posessed the perfectly sweet Collie face with the expressive eyebrow markings that were the canvas for my dog makeover shows.
As you all know I love to perform, and sometimes while im talking to you, will catch a glimpse of myself in the window pane and become ever slightly more animated when Im seeing "the show". Lula loved the attention as well and we were a great team. Using my tropical issue Crayola markers would apply the blue skies color right below the expressive doggy eyebrows for that 1970s ultra glamour. Next I would apply the Mango Sunset rouge to the nonexistent apples of her cheeks, ie. right below the slanted Collie eyes. And voila what we had on our hands was Lula the circus dog! How magical and transformative the power of make-up was. Quickly the make-over show turned to Lula the circus dog performs for all! So we'd have to run out of the house and into the garage where we found the hula hoop that she would be jumping though. And the story went on for hours.
Ah the love of a dog for anyone with a kind heart whether they be a child, mentally insane, homeless, or lucky enough to have an owner that can take them to the vet as needed, or feed them regularly. But never would they judge you for anything, a meal not on time, etc. Their love transcends.
Please kiss your pet for me and be glad for the time that you have with them.
Bridgette and Patrick my thoughts are with you and Cheeva.